For Non-Vocational Majors: Something to Tuck Up Your Sleeve

I am approaching the 1-year anniversary of my English major declaration, and I cannot count on one hand how many times someone has asked me "You're an English major? What are you going to do with that?" Or some such variation upon that theme.


Do? Do!? What am I going to do?! As in "How-are-you-going-to-be-employed-in-a-reliable-occupation-and-do-your-duty-to-the-nation-if-you-spend-your-youth-studying-this-superfluous-subject?"* It strikes me that I am probably not the only human being ever to experience this distressing implied question. English, History, Theatre, Art, Music...we all suffer under the same needless misapprehension! As a non-vocational major, I say unto you, my non-vocational major allies, ENOUGH! Superfluous subjects UNITE!

Marxism aside, there has to be some witty, cutting, nonsensical way to respond to this kind of query. As I am an occasional expert in being witty/cutting as well as a full-time expert in being nonsensical, I thought I would put together the following list of possible responses. Ahem.


Cue: "You're majoring in (insert major here)? What are you going to do with that?"


1). "I'm doing it. What about you?"

2). "I'm going to plan, prepare for, and execute the sole successful heist of all the Swiss Banks at the same time."

3). "I'm going to be the next J. K. Rowling/Abraham Lincoln/Idina Menzel/Pablo Picasso/John Williams." **

4). "I will not stop until I have achieved total world domination."

5). "I am going to do whatever I want. Hah!"

6). "I am probably going to be your boss."

7). "I am going to go to grad school and get a M.A. in something completely different." ***

8). "I am going to single-handedly save human culture from total degradation."

9). "I'm going to adopt a lot of cats and will all of my diamonds and millions to them after I pass on."

10). "I'm going to take lots of naps."

11). "I'm going to engrave my accumulated wisdom into a large boulder and leave it for generations long hence to discover and marvel at."

12). "I'm going to continue to inhale, exhale, and pump blood, just like you."

13). "I'm going to accidentally discover a cure for cancer and ignorance."

14). "I am going to be a useful, productive member of society."

15). "I am going to compile my life experiences into one tome and sell this auto-biography for a ridiculous sum of money."

16). "I don't know yet, but it will involve the phrase 'carpe diem!' and bungee jumping."

17). "I am going to be a hobo and live in a cardboard box in the park."

18). "I am never going to go to school again. Ever."

19). "I am going to eat ten pieces of chocolate a day."

20). "I am going to dwell with a pack of wolves for a year, just for kicks."

21). "I am going to become the best human being I possibly can."

22). "I am going to scale Everest and plant my personal flag at the top. First I'll need to make a good flag, though."

23). "I am going to endure three more grueling years of higher education."

24). "I am going convert my garage into a secret lab, complete with crocodiles."

25). "I don't know, what do you think?"

26). "I am going to marry a fine young man/lady, and we are going to be very cliche and happy!"*****

27). "I am going to walk on the moon. Or perhaps steal it."

28). "I am going to sell used parachutes."

29). "It's a secret, and not meant for the ears of the FBI."

30). "I'm going to earn a paycheck doing something I absolutely love. Can you say the same, sir?"*****

31). "I am going to turn to a life of piracy. It's my only option."

32). "I am going to fall into a vat of toxic waste and fight crime with my dubious superpowers."

33). "I am going to crawl under a photocopier and weep for what might have been."

34). "I am going to drive down the road on a motorcycle very fast and Never. Look. Back."

35). "I am going to go to Australia and wrestle wombats for the rest of my days."

36). "I am going to plot the coup of a small country and re-name it "Awesomeland."

37). "I will eventually die peacefully in my sleep surrounded by countless posterity."

38). "I'm going to start my very own Psychic Hotline, and only service people who are confirmed Virgos or Aquariuses."

39). "I shall occupy my corner of angst and woe with dignity."

40). "I am going to travel to a secret hermitage in the mountains of Nepal and learn the secrets of love and the universe."

41). "I am going to discover what, exactly, goes into a can of Spam."

42). "That would be telling."

43). "I am going to post countless videos of myself doing the dance to "All the Single Ladies" on YouTube."

44). "I am going to learn ventriloquism and own a puppet named Hubert Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, Sr."******

45). "I am going to retire 20 years before you do."

46). "I am going to become the Queen of England's most trusted food taster. Got to make sure there's no cyanide in Her Majesty's tea."

47). "I am going to be the first to invent an engine that runs purely on tap water and gummy bears."

48). "I am going to sit and stare at a particularly interesting patch of brick wall for a very long time."

49). "I am going to spin a colorful wheel and immediately adopt whatever it lands on as my chosen career."

50). "Meh."

51). "I am going to coexist with my parents and their basement for the rest of my mortal existence."

52). "I'm going to blow this joint! Literally!"

53). "I am going to pursue a lucrative and rewarding career, such as pearl diving."

54). "I am going to spend my life memorizing Pi to the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000th
digit."*******

55). "I am going to breed toucans."

56). "I am going to be the most successful tax evader EVER!"

57). "You don't know the half of what I am going to accomplish, my friend."

58). "I am going to be a janitor at a small, out-of-the-way Jr. high school."

59). "I'm not sure, but keep an eye on "America's Most Wanted."

60). "I am going to buy all the UNESCO World Heritage Sites and charge everyone $5 to see 'em. $8 if they want pictures."

61). "I am going to go away and start my own monastic order. Drop me a line when you're ready to seek the divine."

62). "I am going to be the only person in the world who can lick their elbow."

63). "I will lavish all of my affection on trivial, uncaring household appliances."

64). "I will go on an extended, cross-country road trip in my Little Red Wagon™."

65). "I am going to join the circus as the Most Magnificent Mundini, the most fantastic trapeze artist in the known Tri-State area."

67). "I am going to grow moss on every bodily surface possible."

68). "I am going to be the one who tracks you down when you haven't filed your paperwork correctly."

69). "I am going to hang off of telephone poles and traffic lights and shout inane things at passers-by."

70). "I am going to create the most perfect blend of lemonade known to mankind. You can be my taste-tester."



I'm sure there are twice as many possible responses, if not more, but I have not the time to put them all down here at this time. Perhaps I will issue a revised version with 100 responses later, for the fee of 1 chocolate bar per person. Good luck in your soul-inspiring endeavors in the meantime.



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*Of course I realize that not everyone means it that way. Sometimes they mean "How-are-you-going-to-support-me-and-be-my-stay-and-helpmeet-as-your-future-husband-or-wife-if-you-spend-your-youth-studying-this-impractical-branch-of-knowledge?" Or other such sentiments.
**Not all of them at once, presumably.
*** A lie.
****Depending.
*****Or madame.
******A real name. Look it up.
*******Impossible, I know.